Stop This World

Gracefully going from victim to survivor to servant

I sit here at my cousin’s tavern. It is a safe place for me today. I watched/listened to Dr. Ford’s testimony today and I was really shocked by how emotional I became, and still am. I ended up having to turn it off and went to run errands and then ended up here for lunch. My cousin knows my story & I know that if I burst out crying that he will understand.

Why am I so emotional?

Well, I keep on thinking about my time on the stand both at pre-trial and at sentencing. Testifying was an out of body experience for me. My brain was protecting myself from completely breaking down at the time. I look at Dr. Ford & I see myself. Scared to death but knowing that you have to do this. Not only for yourself but to hopefully help others. I knew there was a faction of people who would not believe me, mainly the rapists family, but I didn’t care.

I knew my truth.

My rapist was never put on the stand. He never had to reveal the innermost private details of his life. I was treated as a criminal and had every single word I said dissected. Similar to Dr. Ford and it pains me to relive that.

My rapist did finally admit to the assault. It took a long time to get there, but he did admit to it, but still did not take full responsibility. He did apologize, but not to me. He apologized to the court. I believe he basically is sorry he got caught.

Just for once I would love for someone to say, “you know what? I unfortunately did do that. I did something awful and I am extremely sorry. I have talked with the victim and asked for forgiveness. I don’t expect his/her forgiveness because what I did was uncalled for. I own up to my mistakes and hope to learn from this and become a better person moving forward.”

I have no clue what the truth is in this case, but I know that this is a defining time in our country.

P.S. – I am sickened by the politicization of this whole Kavanaugh/Ford case. There should not be death threats or ugly words on either side. I am sad for America.

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